tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-387198109362446022.post485693497511986609..comments2010-11-05T17:15:41.694-06:00Comments on Life After Our Ukrainian Adventure: Smiles and TrialsTerry, Tara and Emmahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12353237563847027676noreply@blogger.comBlogger1125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-387198109362446022.post-89390230891170741852009-03-17T06:41:00.000-06:002009-03-17T06:41:00.000-06:00I've just found your blog, too. Your daughter is ...I've just found your blog, too. Your daughter is darling!<BR/><BR/>As for the negative stuff, I'm glad you had the courage to post about it. Too often people only want to hear the happy stuff (at least those who don't really get it, anyway :-) But it is also very important to acknowlege what else is going on that everyone doesn't see...both for yourself, and for those who only see the cute happy "normal" child.<BR/><BR/>Is this type of behavior a sign that the "honeymoon" is over? Perhaps. But more likely it is a manifestation of a bigger issue that many people overlook - insecure attatchment. Personally, we never got a honeymoon with our kids, so I don't really know what it feels like for it to be "over." But almost always when I hear people talk about the honeymoon being over and all that comes with it, 99% of the time, this is what they're talking about.<BR/><BR/>I can't even begin to tell you how many new AP's I've heard say that their kids are "firmly attached to them" just months or even weeeks after coming home...or worse, even before they come home! Reality is that NO child is securely attached that quickly. It is a process. It is also a learned skill. If the child was attached to a primary caregiver and received proper care, particularly in the first couple of years of their life, they can transfer that skill to a new caregiver and can attach to them in a few months without any problems or issues. <BR/><BR/>But for the vast majority of our PI kids, that early essential nurturing and care was lacking, inconsistant, or completely non-existant. Depending on several other factors that often get thrown into the mix (abuse, deprivation, abandonment, improper or incomplete medical care, fetal alcohol exposure, etc) that process of attachment takes much longer. The good news is that even severely hurt kids can learn it, and many of them do as long as they get the help they need. <BR/><BR/>Especially since Emma is your only child, I strongly recommend doing some studying on what healthy attachment looks like. Many adoptive parents will look at the disfunctional stuff like RAD and immediately discount it because "it doesn't sound like their child." Well, like most everything else, there's a continuum there. Just because your kid isn't burning down the neighborhood, destroying your house, chasing you with a knife, or beating the dog doesn't mean there aren't attachment issues. The real understanding of how attachment should work really does come from studying HEALTHY attachment.<BR/><BR/>I really need to put a resource reading list over on my blog because I share this info so often. Mabe someday! Until then, I'll just keep retyping it. <BR/><BR/>A couple of good resource books I highly recommend reading...and personally think are essential for all parents who adopt older kids.<BR/><BR/>1. "Learning the Dance of Attachment" by Holly van Gulden This is a very easy to understand <BR/>layman's discussion of healthy attachment, the process of attachment, and how to foster attachment with older kids who missed it in their early years.<BR/><BR/>2. "Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control" by Bryan Post and Heather Forbes - There are two volumes. The first offers so much insight as to why hurt kids do what they do, and the second offers a more practical and easy to understand approach to implementing the therapeutic parenting model introduced in the first book. Heather Forbes does it alone now and has a great website to get you started. There's lots of free articles and daily emails and all sorts of other good stuff. www.beyondconsequences.com<BR/><BR/>3. Especially if there is any known abuse or neglect in your daughter's history, "Building the Bonds of Attachment" by Daniel Hughes is also a good read. Like many other resources, though, this is geared to more severe cases of RAD and the healing process that comes with it. But, there are still a lot of good ideas in there that can be really effective with less severe cases.<BR/><BR/>All of these books are very easy to find on the internet. If Amazon or Borders doesn't carry them, just do a search for the book title and you'll find them right away. My state also has a free online lending library that carries a lot of these books. You check them out, they mail them to you, and then you mail them back in their postage paid envelopes when you're done reading them. It's sponsored through DCFS as part of their post-adoption / adoption exchange resources.<BR/><BR/>Hope those help!Dianahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08444891084585965661noreply@blogger.com